1. A television, so that every 10 minutes of network coverage can be interrupted by 5 minutes of sappy ads. This is critical for me you see, because if I don't know which toothpaste to buy I might not brush my teeth! And HOW would I ever have figured out on my own that I needed a SWIFFER mop because it "gives cleaning a whole new meaning"? Oh and the infomercials! I look so HOT using my Thigh Master as I "squeeze, squeeze, squeeze my way to shapelier hips and thighs". Thanks SUZANNE!
2. A car. Now this one is really importanat because the T.V. can only influence me at home. So how am I going to know what to do when I leave the house? After I see that car commercial and I Zoom, Zoom, Zoom right down to the dealership to purchase my $20,000+ ego boost I am ready to roll! The possibilities are endless. I mean I've got the never ending rows of billboards whizzing by me while going 80 mph on the freeway. And yet I take it all in somehow. Whoever said that multitasking is impossible, was wrong. I do it all the time! And if I get hungry while on the road all I have to do is scan the horizon for those golden arches. They are a blessed beacon to the hungry masses. I don't even have to get out of the seat of my car to partake of this manna from heaven. Then there are the windshield wipers, they say they're for rain, but I know better. I only have to run in to a store for a second and I can come out and find a brightly colored flyer waiting for me. And just today I saw for the FIRST TIME that parking stall lines are now used for advertisement. So now I am switching to Nationwide Auto Insurance because of their clever marketing strategies. I mean what a smart use of space. And not at all ridiculous!
3. A door with a knob on it. It's so great to know that the faceless person who attached this to my door noticed that I needed a new vinyl fence or new windows. A kind gesture to say the least.
4. Sports Arenas.
5. Movie Theaters.
6. The side of Garbage Trucks.
7. Airplanes dragging signs.
8. Internet.
9. Elementary Schools.
10. Radio.
11. Tele-marketers.
12. Church.
THE SKY IS THE LIMIT! Wait... No, I take that back. I forgot how they broadcast T.V. signals into OUTER SPACE! Talk about reaching a difficult demographic. Are we geniuses or what? I don't know what I was getting so grumpy about. I mean shit really isn't that bad, right? It might smell a little but at least it wont overwhelm the senses and distract me from what means most in life. Thank goodness it doesn't bog me down and make life harder to manage. I mean thats why we have "THE CONTAINER STORE." So we can consume more shit to keep our other shit in. Brilliant! So, there you have it. My 12 step program to a perfectly complacent existence. The most exciting part of it being your estate sale.
