Deep, deep inhale... long sigh.

TODAY I FEEL LIKE THIS I started school up again on tuesday. I didn't feel ready. So yesterday I cleaned my whole house. It was beautiful. I felt ready. I woke up today and went on the computer. Afterwards, I went upstairs to find both children covered in styrofoam balls. You know those tiny ones that static cling to everything. Along with the t.v, couch, carpet, buffet. I flipped my lid. Although there was some humor to it. Especially as they squealed when I broke out the vacuum and purposefully went over their whole bodies. I could see the mix of emotion in their faces as the suction seemed to jump at them and violently suck their clothing and hair into the black hole that is my vacuum attachment. It was true concern like "How mad is mom right now? and Would she actually let me get sucked in?" and a undertone of laughter that never quite broke the surface like " This sort of tickles and is silly but I might pee my pants I'm so nervous." When all that was done I was still thoroughly annoyed. Then I spotted a trail of white balls heading up the stairs. "Oh shit!" I walked up and was afraid to turn the corner. Boldly I stepped forward and looked left. Phew, my room was fine aside from a few strays. I slowly turned right and immediately felt the blood rush to my face. His room was absolutely covered top to bottom with those annoying little snowflakes from hell! I'll spare you my reaction. I'm sure your imagination will shed me in a better light compared to the facts. I went into my room and for the first time said out loud "I don't want kids!" Now to some of you that might seem heartless. But it's not a lack of love for them. I would do ANYTHING for either one of them. But sometimes I just want to only think about ME. I mean in many ways I'm just barely learning who I am, what right do I have raising these precious little people. All innocent and pure. I'm gonna mess them up. No doubts there. This path of self discovery that I started a few months back is a lot harder when 95.5% of the time I'm thinking about what I am or should be doing for them. Can't I just push pause and take this little detour and figure me out a little more and then come back and resume raising these two kids as a whole and complete person? We'd all be better for it. I know blog, I know. You are asking why I had them so soon then? I ask myself the same and my only response is that 6 years ago, I thought I did know myself. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see that I was sleeping. I pray daily that I don't screw them up too much and that I wont take my imperfections out on them. By Gods grace we will all get through this somewhat happy and healthy. In the mean time any tips for cleaning styrofoam cling-ons?