You learn something new every day

Today Audrey informed me that if you don't wipe after going poop, then a mushroom will grow out of your butt. It's one of the things she learned in Kindergarden apparently. I responded with a loud laugh and an affirmation that it was indeed true. The mental image still gets to me and I find myself laughing out loud unexpectedly throughout the day. Ahhhh, kids. Gotta love em!

Merry Christmas, It's crap in a box. (re-post)

(Are you allowed to re-post? Well I'm doing it now cuz this one is rearin it's ugly head annually from here on out! )

Today I felt a faint hint of nausea while at Gateway Mall. It took me a minute to realize it was because I was consuming a whole lot of shit that I don't really need or want. And guess what all you friends and family out there are getting for Christmas? Yep you got it. I am going to consume even more shit and then give it to you, in a box, wrapped in pretty paper (preferably recycled) with a neat bow nestled comfortably on top. I am going to do this because day after day, after day, after day... I am told in one form or another that this is what is to be done. In fact I could very easily slip through life never really thinking about anything substantial except what I'm buying or going to be buying. It's quite easy, let me show you how. You see I never have to actually think for myself so long as I have a few necessities:

1. A television, so that every 10 minutes of network coverage can be interrupted by 5 minutes of sappy ads. This is critical for me you see, because if I don't know which toothpaste to buy I might not brush my teeth! And HOW would I ever have figured out on my own that I needed a SWIFFER mop because it "gives cleaning a whole new meaning"? Oh and the infomercials! I look so HOT using my Thigh Master as I "squeeze, squeeze, squeeze my way to shapelier hips and thighs". Thanks SUZANNE!

2. A car. Now this one is really importanat because the T.V. can only influence me at home. So how am I going to know what to do when I leave the house? After I see that car commercial and I Zoom, Zoom, Zoom right down to the dealership to purchase my $20,000+ ego boost I am ready to roll! The possibilities are endless. I mean I've got the never ending rows of billboards whizzing by me while going 80 mph on the freeway. And yet I take it all in somehow. Whoever said that multitasking is impossible, was wrong. I do it all the time! And if I get hungry while on the road all I have to do is scan the horizon for those golden arches. They are a blessed beacon to the hungry masses. I don't even have to get out of the seat of my car to partake of this manna from heaven. Then there are the windshield wipers, they say they're for rain, but I know better. I only have to run in to a store for a second and I can come out and find a brightly colored flyer waiting for me. And just today I saw for the FIRST TIME that parking stall lines are now used for advertisement. So now I am switching to Nationwide Auto Insurance because of their clever marketing strategies. I mean what a smart use of space. And not at all ridiculous!

3. A door with a knob on it. It's so great to know that the faceless person who attached this to my door noticed that I needed a new vinyl fence or new windows. A kind gesture to say the least.

4. Sports Arenas.
5. Movie Theaters.
6. The side of Garbage Trucks.
7. Airplanes dragging signs.
8. Internet.
9. Elementary Schools.
10. Radio.
11. Tele-marketers.
12. Church.

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT! Wait... No, I take that back. I forgot how they broadcast T.V. signals into OUTER SPACE! Talk about reaching a difficult demographic. Are we geniuses or what? I don't know what I was getting so grumpy about. I mean crap really isn't that bad, right? It might smell a little but at least it wont overwhelm the senses and distract me from what means most in life. Thank goodness it doesn't bog me down and make life harder to manage. I mean thats why we have "THE CONTAINER STORE." So we can consume more crap to keep our other crap in. Brilliant! So, there you have it. My 12 step program to a perfectly complacent existence. The most exciting part of it being your estate sale.

Lucky my @$$

So I'm enjoying a bowl of lucky charms for the first time in years when I glance down to see an unfamiliar shaped marshmallow staring back up at me. "What is that odd yellow shaped thing?" I think to myself. Then I start moving the cereal around with my spoon and notice that the marshmallows are all jacked up now! They made all these wacky lame shapes and called them lucky. Like some red one that resembles a hot air balloon and a pink heart, what the hell! So I look at the box and that odd yellow shape is apparently an hour glass! So am I to believe that a hot air balloon, a heart and an hour glass are lucky? But it gets worse, where O' where is the horse shoe? Now I'm feeling really irritated because dumb marketing always pisses me right off. Until I see something purple being suffocated by a big fat hourglass. Could it be?! Yes! It's the horseshoe! They just changed the color. Phewf...I can carry on with my night. I didn't really enjoy the cereal after that because it is another reminder that there is only two things in life that are certain, nothing stays the same and advertisers are a bunch of dumb*@&#$. And thats how you philosophize over cereal.