Blah Blah Blogs

Please see me.

2010-09-08T22:57:00.000-07:00

Please, please see me.
Please, please see me.
In the same room,
but all alone.
In the same bed
but no ones at home.

Please please I am here.
I am here, but can't get through.
I am right here,
right next to you.

But you can't see me,
you won't see me.
So I wait on,
again and again.
I give on,
again I pretend.

Open your heart up,
so you can be a part of us.
Please, please see,
so we can live this dream.

Please, please see me.
Please, please see me.
I don't know how much more to take,
I don't know how long I can wait.

So I wait on,
again and again.
I give on,
again I pretend.

This dream is starting to fade.
I see me. I see me.
Is it time to let go,
is it time to go it alone?

I see me, I see me.
As I take this dream,
and turn to leave.

Life Now

2010-06-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

Divorce sucks. Change is stressful. But life is promising. Onward and upward, thats what I always say;)

For Daddy

2009-06-22T07:42:00.000-07:00

There are few things in life that bring me as much happiness as watching Daniel raise our kids. He is such a wonderful father to Audrey and Aiden. I love you Dan. Thanks for sharing this experience with me. Here are a few words from the kids. Aiden: "Thank you dad that we are going on family adventures." Aiden: "I like daddy when we are going to the beach!" A message from Aiden: "I love when daddy was watching me when I was playing soccer. I like it when daddy plays games and video games and the DS's. I think it's funny when you sing the nighty night song with the puppets! Audrey & Aiden: "We love it when you make us treats daddy!" (Dan is a real Ace of Cakes!) Audrey & Aiden: "We have fun with you dad!" Audrey: "It's fun to play video games with you." Aiden: "Thank you daddy that you gave us bloom blocks" A message from Audrey: "i love your treats! i loved when you were my soccer coach! i love when you go to the park me.

Unhealthy much?

2009-05-29T10:21:00.001-07:00

Okay so I pull into Audrey's school and park next to this really nice infinity SUV. As I'm grabbing my purse I see that it has a batman figurine on the dash. A little weird but whatever. Then I open my door to get out and see this! I round the back side of the car and my jaw drops.I can't help but exclaim out loud, "Oh jeez! You have got to be kidding me!" Just so you know, the car has both the license plate AND the chrome work say BAT 1, then in the dark tinting of the back window is an inlaid decal of Christian Bale as BATMAN. (It's the white glared image in the right corner.) Then of course there is the Batman symbol to replace the make of the car. And to finish it off, a pretend bullet hole in the bumper. FOr REalS! I am thinking, I have got to see who in their right mind would actually drive this thing? A few minutes later a 30 something year old white male with a lap top walks up to it and gets in. For being such a freak he looked pretty normal but thats what they say about cereal killers too.

Cousins

2009-05-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

Aiden and Issac and another friend in the middle. The last play date before Chanelle and Kelly and the kids were going back to Georgia. Saying goodbye to Lucy and Emma. Audrey was so sad. They all had red eyes from crying but I was able to coax a smile out of them momentarily. They had me in tears too.

Shameful I know.

2009-05-26T15:59:00.001-07:00

All the things that I let go to pot with being in school now have to be remedied. I have gotten most my house under control but saved the worst for last, my bedroom. Inspired by Raina's blog about "Hells Kitchen" I decided before I dug into this horrific mess, I should capture it on film to show the before and after. So here is what Dan and I have lived in for the last month (actually longer) and what we will enjoy hereafter. Let's hope it lasts!

lately

2009-05-17T13:58:00.001-07:00

I am half way done with school and excited to take the summer off. Audrey and Aiden are finished with soccer and both did really well! They each scored 2 goals this season. We are revving up for swimming, camping, beaching and hopefully a successful garage sale. Dan started a new job with AdvancedMed (I think that is the name of it) and is liking it so far. We invited Max to join the family. He is an amazing dog. He is 6 months old and HUGE for his age. He is awesome so he fits right in with the rest of us;) Our brother Jake got home for a visit after serving in Iraq. We missed him. So that is pretty much the update. Over all we are happy and healthy! LIfe is good, what more can you ask for?

Watch out people

2009-02-21T19:15:00.000-08:00

cuz this post is solely to vent. I am now 6 days clean. The detoxing is only getting worse. I'm not to the point of hallucinations yet but I'm pretty sure I'm close. Today I was the most irritable i've been in...well ever, if you can believe it! The sugar must be completely purged out of my system by now because I am so close to shoving a cookie in my mouth it's insane. The first 3 days were pretty good. But i know it's bad when my little boy comes to give me a kiss after eating a turkey sandwich and I can actually smell the scent of bread on his breath. It's a sad and pathetic feeling. Im too far in now to stop. AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Concerns of a 7 year old.

2009-01-26T08:06:00.000-08:00

Last night there was a stake fireside for all the children turning 8 years old that are going to be baptized this year. Audrey was sitting in the chapel next to us all as they talked to the children about what it means to be baptized. They were asking all kinds of questions to the children and a good number of them were responding. Audrey seemed content to just sit and wait patiently for it to all be over so she could go to the refreshments. I was trying to get her a little more interested in the meeting by saying over enthusiastic things to her now and then like, "wow,isn't that cool?" and "what do you think about making a promise with God?" There was very little response until a father and daughter got up dressed in white to show exactly how to perform the act of baptism. As they finished up and were taking questions Audrey says under her breath, in a sarcastic tone, "The question is, how do you get it on?" "IT" being the white baptismal jumpsuit that they both were wearing. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing out loud! She is a crack up and I love her. Needless to say, I am dedicating a page in her baptismal scrapbook to this comment.

You learn something new every day

2008-12-29T11:40:00.000-08:00

Today Audrey informed me that if you don't wipe after going poop, then a mushroom will grow out of your butt. It's one of the things she learned in Kindergarden apparently. I responded with a loud laugh and an affirmation that it was indeed true. The mental image still gets to me and I find myself laughing out loud unexpectedly throughout the day. Ahhhh, kids. Gotta love em!

Merry Christmas, It's crap in a box. (re-post)

2008-12-18T09:37:00.000-08:00

(Are you allowed to re-post? Well I'm doing it now cuz this one is rearin it's ugly head annually from here on out! )

Today I felt a faint hint of nausea while at Gateway Mall. It took me a minute to realize it was because I was consuming a whole lot of shit that I don't really need or want. And guess what all you friends and family out there are getting for Christmas? Yep you got it. I am going to consume even more shit and then give it to you, in a box, wrapped in pretty paper (preferably recycled) with a neat bow nestled comfortably on top. I am going to do this because day after day, after day, after day... I am told in one form or another that this is what is to be done. In fact I could very easily slip through life never really thinking about anything substantial except what I'm buying or going to be buying. It's quite easy, let me show you how. You see I never have to actually think for myself so long as I have a few necessities:

1. A television, so that every 10 minutes of network coverage can be interrupted by 5 minutes of sappy ads. This is critical for me you see, because if I don't know which toothpaste to buy I might not brush my teeth! And HOW would I ever have figured out on my own that I needed a SWIFFER mop because it "gives cleaning a whole new meaning"? Oh and the infomercials! I look so HOT using my Thigh Master as I "squeeze, squeeze, squeeze my way to shapelier hips and thighs". Thanks SUZANNE!

2. A car. Now this one is really importanat because the T.V. can only influence me at home. So how am I going to know what to do when I leave the house? After I see that car commercial and I Zoom, Zoom, Zoom right down to the dealership to purchase my $20,000+ ego boost I am ready to roll! The possibilities are endless. I mean I've got the never ending rows of billboards whizzing by me while going 80 mph on the freeway. And yet I take it all in somehow. Whoever said that multitasking is impossible, was wrong. I do it all the time! And if I get hungry while on the road all I have to do is scan the horizon for those golden arches. They are a blessed beacon to the hungry masses. I don't even have to get out of the seat of my car to partake of this manna from heaven. Then there are the windshield wipers, they say they're for rain, but I know better. I only have to run in to a store for a second and I can come out and find a brightly colored flyer waiting for me. And just today I saw for the FIRST TIME that parking stall lines are now used for advertisement. So now I am switching to Nationwide Auto Insurance because of their clever marketing strategies. I mean what a smart use of space. And not at all ridiculous!

3. A door with a knob on it. It's so great to know that the faceless person who attached this to my door noticed that I needed a new vinyl fence or new windows. A kind gesture to say the least.

4. Sports Arenas.
5. Movie Theaters.
6. The side of Garbage Trucks.
7. Airplanes dragging signs.
8. Internet.
9. Elementary Schools.
10. Radio.
11. Tele-marketers.
12. Church.

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT! Wait... No, I take that back. I forgot how they broadcast T.V. signals into OUTER SPACE! Talk about reaching a difficult demographic. Are we geniuses or what? I don't know what I was getting so grumpy about. I mean crap really isn't that bad, right? It might smell a little but at least it wont overwhelm the senses and distract me from what means most in life. Thank goodness it doesn't bog me down and make life harder to manage. I mean thats why we have "THE CONTAINER STORE." So we can consume more crap to keep our other crap in. Brilliant! So, there you have it. My 12 step program to a perfectly complacent existence. The most exciting part of it being your estate sale.

Lucky my @$$

2008-12-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

So I'm enjoying a bowl of lucky charms for the first time in years when I glance down to see an unfamiliar shaped marshmallow staring back up at me. "What is that odd yellow shaped thing?" I think to myself. Then I start moving the cereal around with my spoon and notice that the marshmallows are all jacked up now! They made all these wacky lame shapes and called them lucky. Like some red one that resembles a hot air balloon and a pink heart, what the hell! So I look at the box and that odd yellow shape is apparently an hour glass! So am I to believe that a hot air balloon, a heart and an hour glass are lucky? But it gets worse, where O' where is the horse shoe? Now I'm feeling really irritated because dumb marketing always pisses me right off. Until I see something purple being suffocated by a big fat hourglass. Could it be?! Yes! It's the horseshoe! They just changed the color. Phewf...I can carry on with my night. I didn't really enjoy the cereal after that because it is another reminder that there is only two things in life that are certain, nothing stays the same and advertisers are a bunch of dumb*@&#$. And thats how you philosophize over cereal.

This makes it all worth it.

2008-11-19T08:05:00.000-08:00

So for over a week now I have been tending two sick kids. Then I got sick and dan got sick. It's a pathetic mess! I have been up every night administering meds, humidifiers, tissue, herbal remedies and anything else that will "make the sick go away" (as Aiden would say.) Everyday I think we are improving and every night it is very apparent that we have digressed into yet another symptom. But a couple nights ago three little words made up for all the sacrifice! I put Aiden into bed with me and snuggled up next to him and in the dark at 3 a.m. I hear his little voice say, "Mom, your the coolest!" This from my 4 year old! I was so touched and very sleep deprived, and I exclaimed "I AM!" And started laughing hysterically, which then set him off. And together we laughed and finally slept. Love being a mom!

Thanks Lisa! This was so good I had to post it.

2008-11-11T18:11:00.000-08:00

Kirby on gay marriage: It's official - I don't care Tribune Columnist Article Last Updated: 10/26/2008 10:40:00 AM MDT

A couple of years ago, I wrote a column in which I announced my official position on gay marriage. Basically, I don't care. Not only do I not care if gays get married, it is none of my business. As a flaming heterosexual, it's a full-time job for me just to keep my thoughts clean in church. I don't have the energy to fret about somebody else's libido.

The column must have resurfaced on the Internet. I'm getting mail again telling me what a failure I am as a Mormon because I'm not solidly behind Proposition 8. As I understand it, the California ballot item would prevent the domestication of homosexuals. Or something like that.

Here are just a few of the attempts to get me to see reason.

"Are you a member or not? Do you want gays to get married in the temple? Please follow the brotheren's [sic] council [sic] on Proposition 8. This is a important gospel principal [sic]." G., e-mail.

"No unclean thing can enter the house of the Lord. Gays are unclean because of the Scriptures. You have to be hot or cold about it or the Lord will spat you out." T., e-mail.

"Were you listening in church when the letter was read from the First Presidency about supporting proposition eight?" R.Y., e-mail.

"Get with Prop 8 or your [sic] a homo." Anonymous, Advertisement letter.

Hard as it is to counter such brilliant logic, my position hasn't changed. The only serious concern I have about gays getting married is that they'll register someplace pricey. The church is serious about the sanctity of marriage. I get that. But aren't more potentially "dangerous" marriages already being performed out there? For example, I hear in church all the time about marriage being ordained of God. But I also hear about how the glory of God is intelligence.

Shouldn't it be against the law for stupid people to get married? What's more harmful to society - two well-dressed men getting married and settling down, or two idiots tying the knot and cranking out any number of additional idiots? You should have to pass a harder test to get married than the one we currently have. Essentially, there are but two questions: "How old are you?" and "Is that your sister?" Hell, you could pass this test just by guessing.

There are drawbacks. Most people get married when hormones and youth make them about as dumb as they'll ever be. So, even a relatively easy test would by default raise the age limit to about 40. With an increased marriage age limit, there would be fewer births. Genealogy would become easier to do. With fewer births, there would be fewer children born gay. Hey, isn't that what Heavenly Father would want? OK, I was just kidding about that. But if you're really serious about putting a stop to gay sex, let them get married.

This Church Better Be True!

2008-11-10T11:50:00.000-08:00

Hella funny, yet hella sad. I wish I could say that they'd been drinking, but that just isn't the case.

History In The Making

2008-11-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

So apparently, yes... we really can!

Church and State

2008-10-29T11:45:00.000-07:00

So I'm LDS which most of you already know. I have been sitting on the sidelines for a while now watching everyone go on and on about prop 8. I haven't wanted to get involved because honestly I already have my views about it and I am a firm believer in the saying "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." So on that note I am not going to write in such a way that I am trying to convince anyone to change their views on anything. I am only going to pose a couple questions that have been really bothering me lately. Mostly regarding the LDS church and their overwhelming support of "yes on prop 8".

First off I'm having a hard time understanding why the church is getting involved at all in a political issue. Does the whole separation of church and state not apply for some reason here? Some might say "well this is a moral issue so we need to get involved". If that's true then why didn't we get involved when we jumped head first in to this war? I find that war often leads to death and destruction of whole cities. I'm pretty sure that ought to be considered a moral issue! Why was there not a peep out of church leaders about that?

Why is our church raising and spending $21 million on the fight against gay marriage? 2 1 M I L L I O N D O L L A R S?!!! How many starving children could we have fed with that money? How many lives could we have saved in Darfur? How many homeless people could we have reached out to? And all because we are afraid. This is a civil rights issue. And last time I checked out church history we didn't have the best reputation for upholding civil rights. The LDS church took a stand against the civil rights of women, and black people. Of course your not gonna get that info at church, but check out some church history and it's all there. And as far as I could tell it all worked out all right. I mean, I can own property and vote, so thats good... right? Could it be that we are in the same situation now?

I recently read a book called SWAY. It talks about why people do irrational things. It says that two major reasons why people make irrational choices is because of #1 Fear of loss and #2 Commitment. I was thinking about how that applies to this prop 8 situation. The rationale I am hearing from people in the church is that they are afraid of losing their own rights if gay people are allowed to get married. That is what the average white man was afraid of in the 19th century with blacks gaining their own civil rights. I also see how the church has sent out the calvary on this issue and all these people are doing it out of a strong commitment to their faith. Key word there is commitment. Case in point, 70% of the funds raised in the christian coalition are from the LDS church members. So what I am asking you all now is, does all of this seem rational to you?

God asked us to use our faculties and choose for ourselves. Yes the LDS church has a prophet and for some it is enough to follow him without taking the time to pray for ourselves. But I don't think that is what his purpose here is. You don't have to read much of the scriptures, ancient or modern, to see that prophets are quite capable of making bad choices here and there, just like the rest of us. (I'm tempted to put a slanderous racial quote in here from Brigham Young, but I'll spare you.) So this is my conundrum. I am seriously disappointed in how members are handling this situation. But, who knows. Maybe i'm just the voice of corruption, the spawn of the devil. Or that poor Megan who fell by the wayside. Judge if you must, but as my good friend Amanda says, "I choose to ere on the side of compassion."

Birthdays

2008-10-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

So this week was a week of celebration because my sister Lissa and I shared our birthdays. I am on the 27th and she is on the 28th. As a kid growing up we always had to have joint parties. And because I have always enjoyed the limelight, sharing my day of glory with anyone else was not really fun. In fact I can remember as a kid running to my room in tears because a friend got to pass out the paper plates at MY party. It was emotional. The whole thing always reminds me of that song... "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to, you would cry to if it happened to you!" (I like attention. Me, me, me. Just ask my husband. I think I have mellowed out a little since I turned 30 a couple days ago though.)

So the last couple years with my sis living so close has been quite fun. It's not like we throw each other keggers or even do anything official. It's always laid back. But I can always count on her getting me the perfect gift and she is always hard, but fun to shop for. One year we just went to Thrift Town and had a blast digging through the dirt that is used clothing. We each bought each other some smelly, dusty second hand item and walked away feeling very satisfied. It was fun. This year she got me this amazingly cute, ornate yellow, metal jewelry tree to put all my necklaces on. (But originally it was a mug rack.) Needless to say I LOVED IT! It took me a couple thrift stores to find her a couple books that I thought she'd enjoy. So now, being 30, and much more mature, I am finding it very fun to share my special day with my sister. I wouldn't want to share it with anyone else. And I'm not just saying that either! I think she is a perfect sister to me. Did I mention she did my dishes for me on my b-day? And that when I was going through a hard time a few months back she came over and totally helped me to clean my entire house!!! It's so relieving to have her next door so that when I try to dress "hip" she can tell me if I look stupid or am trying to hard. She is always there in a pinch to watch the kids. And she is my most favoritest person to hang out with which is good since I've been doing it for years. It's a total comfort knowing that she's got my back in every way. I love my sis. Happy Birthday to US!

If you want to be hip and happy

2008-10-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

Then buy something from my sister. Seriously, she just moved into the cute cottage next door and I go over there just to bask in the beauty that is her stuff! She has a knack for finding killer vintage items. Her cottage albeit cozy is only 800 sqft and is running out of places to put things. But her talent and need for finding treasures persists so she got on Etsy.com. So if you like retro, hip, cool or quaint follow your curiosity and my recommendation to PocketVintage!

The most vivid and demented dream...

2008-10-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'm walking through this huge old school. The architecture is amazing and although it's supposed to be a high school, the campus is like that of a university. I'm lost and feeling anxious. I seemed to have misplaced my locker. The school has multiple levels and as I'm tracking up and down long corridors and metal stairwells, I notice the crowd slowly dispersing. Pretty soon I will be alone here, and lost!

My anxiety heightens as I rush away from the ominous buildings over a bridge that at the moment seems much to long and solitary. I'm getting panicky, and can tell I'm not thinking rationally as I drop my purse to the ground, kneel beside it and recklessly scramble through it with a prayer that my car keys are in it and not in my missing locker. I must get out of here as soon as possible. A flood of relief rushes over me as I pull them from the pocket.

Then suddenly there are two figures standing over me. I look up and two guys are smiling down at me. But it is a knowing smile they share, with a confidence that seems out of place for the situation. They look about 19 or so. The heavier of the two is a dirty blonde. His eyes are larger and rounder. He has a slight case of acne on his full cheeks. He has a face that in different circumstances might come off as kind. He is holding out a car key to me. I take it to inspect and notice that the grip on the key is old and looks like a dog has gotten to it and that it belongs to a Saturn. "Jenny wants you to have it" he says. (Jenny was my best friend in middle school and I haven't seen or heard from her in years.)

I study their faces in confusion. The other guy is about the same height but with darker hair and smaller build. His over all appearance is somewhat wiry. He has small dark eyes and the same sense of confidence that is making me uneasy. I stand and hold the key out to them, as he takes it I say "I don't know what you are talking about." I walk away but it doesn't take me long to realize they are slowly following me. I follow the end of the bridge down and hang a right so I'm facing it from a side view. I can see them casually walking to the end of the bridge, the afternoon sun casting them as silhouettes. Thats when I notice the white Saturn two door parked directly under the tall, shadowy bridge. There is a small trickle of water running under the bridge and from the slope of the embankment I gathered it was once a decent flowing stream. The Saturn was positioned at a slight angle, it's front wheels on one side of the trickle of water, it's back wheels on the opposite side. It appears to be vacant. To the right sits a cement utility building among a forest of trees that create a natural barricade behind the bridge. It's front has windows that appear to be covered with some kind of paper.

Once again the two guys are next to me holding out the key. I take it and ask "where is Jenny?"
"She wanted you to be the one to find her." the sandy haired boy said.
"She's in the car?" I ask.
They stand in silence. I look again at the white Saturn, straining my eyes to see if someone could possibly be inside. I start to make out a form sitting in the drivers seat, or is it just shadows from the bridge? Why would she be sitting there waiting for me? It couldn't be... could it?
I look back at them my eyes searching for some kind of explanation. There is only that knowing look. I am now thoroughly freaked out.
Slowly the realization that she is, in fact, sitting in that seat and in what condition only God knows.
"What did you do to her!" I exclaim out of terror.
"She asked us to"
"She's dead, you killed her!"
"She chose to, we only did what she asked" the sandy haired boy said.
"And her makeup." reminds the wiry boy.
"Makeup?!"
A kind of satisfaction crossed their faces as they watched my horrified realization.
"I don't believe you!" I said with a determined tone. But inside I knew it was true.
"Well why don't you leave then?"
"you can go to your car now that you found your key."

I started running towards the bridge, frantic to get out of the situation. Again, they followed me, with the now all too familiar, unconcerned demeanor. Then it hits me. How did he know I was searching for my key. How did they know who I was and where I'd be?! All of the sudden I feel as though I am some kind of pawn in a horrific mind game. The knowing looks, the calm sureness that they carried in every movement and word. Are they going to do to me what they did to Jenny?! I can't go back to my car! They are following me. Is that what they did to her? I search the horizon and see that everyone is gone. The old buildings are lifeless. It 's vacant. A surge of adrenaline warms my insides and I turn to face them. I have no choice. I storm past them back down toward the car. I don't need to turn around to know that they once again are slowly following me. They are like some kind of beast, playing with her food before eating in satisfaction.

I am going to find out who is in that white Saturn! I have to know what I'm dealing with. I won't fall into their trap and lead them to my car! As I approach the bank, my pace slows. The closer I get, the more apparent it is that someone is in fact lifeless in the front seat. I imagine my best friend. Her fair skin and dark walnut hair. Her sense of humor, her smartness. Her essence. I can't bring myself to see her in any other way. I stop.

The next thing I know I am standing in the utility building. I panic as I search for an escape. There are lot's of windows, but they are all covered. The floor has some tacky utility carpet in turquoise. There is some kind of waiting area with chairs. I see a glass panel that slides open and I can imagine it as some sort of check in. I feel like I am in the waiting area of an office or clinic. The sandy haired boy and his partner are there. Waiting for something. I feel sick, trapped and heavy! I see a man on the other side of the glass panel approach. He is in his thirties. He is evil! I can tell that the sandy haired boy is his younger brother. They are talking about me. It is now that I realize that I did fall in to the trap. They didn't want me to lead them to my car. They wanted me to go to the Saturn and now I know that they are planning to do to me what ever they wanted. I hear someone outside.
"hello, who's down here?"
I scream and lunge for the window. I frantically try to rip off the paper and break the glass. My hands are moving so fast, but it seems like they aren't accomplishing anything!
"help me!", a horrified scream rips from my mouth.
"I'm in here!"
"don't leave me!"
I go on and on. Begging for help. But there is nothing, just silence and the man behind the glass. Glaring at me with a deviant look. And with it I know that I soon will be dead.

Then Aiden wakes me up, it's 7:28 am.

The goings on

2008-10-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

So a lot has been going down lately. Lissa (my sis) and my documentary on The Power of Forgiveness is slowly manifesting from thought to reality. "Slowly" is the key word there. We are really pretty excited about it though. Our dad is going to create the soundtrack for it which will for sure be amazing since he lives music every day of his life. I have a local artist who is working with us who's pieces will be included. We are trying to contact people to interview who have experienced compelling stories of forgiveness in their lives. So if any of you five people who actually read this blog know someone who might be a good candidate, do tell! Dan is taking "time off" of work to finally complete his demo. It's liberating and hella scary at the same time. So here we are, ready to seize the day! Lets hope we actually do. Dan has a pretty good shot at being hired at Rockstar video games in Scotland or London. That would be crazy cool too because I feel like the draw to return to the motherland. Lissa and I joke about it. I have never been but I feel like it would be the next step in my spiritual journey. The reiki energy is supposed to be powerful there. Audrey is sneezy happy! Happy because we got her the cutest most lovable kitten, and sneezy cuz she seems to be allergic. So we named her pepper cuz she is black and white and has a little black spot on her nose and also if Audrey puts her face too close her eyes get red and she sneezes. Oh and about my colon cleanse. I had my first swamp thing happen in the bathroom last week. I couldn't bring myself to take a picture. It felt unnecessary since it looked just like the pictures on the website! If your curiosity gets the better of you click here. It looked JUST like that! It was disturbing and somewhat satisfying as well. And there you have it.

G.N.O With Ghosts.

2008-09-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

Me, A'Niel and Amanda on our girls night out. We ate, then we ate some more, then we swung by the S.L.C graveyard and got some crazy pics. Note the red mist on the top right of the picture and the crazy light squiggles. What the hey?! A picture of an Actual ghost! Wink, Wink.

HOME

2008-08-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

I recently was in california for a week. It was beautiful as usual. I was nervous to go back home. We finally arrived after a long drive and as I walked the kids out to the beach I looked back at my house and realized that my Grandma wasn't upstairs. For the first time EVER she wasn't there. I realized then that I feel like it's all slowly slipping away from me. How can something that seemed so permanent suddenly be fading so fast? It feels almost like an illusion, like its all falling out of focus and there's nothing I can do. And now I see how much a part of ME this place is because I am being asked to let it go. How does that even work? How do you come to terms with a part of you being torn away? I suppose that I should feel thankful for having it as long as I did. I just wish I knew how to handle it all.

Last night I pulled out a letter I wrote to one of my favorite essayists. I Wrote it before I was actually faced with the impossible task at hand, for a school assignment. It's more fitting now than ever.

Dear Mr. Eiseley,
I recently read your essay Entitled The Brown Wasps and absolutely loved it! Besides the fact that the whole concept of this essay is deeply profound, it was the delivery of the idea that first grabbed me. You write so beautifully about the subtleties of nature. As I read, I imagined you sitting in silence for lengths of time, being the observer of small things. Things that most of us pass by without a glance. The brown wasps lingering about their nests till the frost of winter finally took them. The field mouse that burrowed into the soil of your fern plant as it tried to recreate “a remembered field (p.240)”. The pigeons returning to the abandoned rail line in hopes of finding a past life, nevermore to return. I wonder, where did such a distinct awareness of the world come from? What a gift you have, for seeing true principles in their simplest form and sharing them through your writing!

The notion that there is an attachment of the spirit to a grouping of events in time really resonates with me, particularly these lines: “It is the place that matters, the place at the heart of things... We cling to a time and a place because without them man is lost, not only man but life(p.240).” This concept reminded me of a scene in my favorite movie Garden State where the main character thoughtfully says:

  “You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? Even though you have some place where you can put your stuff, that idea of home is gone . . . You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.”

You describe this in your own life as you wrote about a cottonwood tree that you and your father had planted together when you were a child. And to find years later that it no longer existed must have been somewhat of a devastation to you. I sensed this when you wrote that “...it was part of my orientation in the universe and I could not survive without it (p.245)”. It wasn’t the tree itself that you couldn’t survive without. It was the symbol of the tree, and what that symbol represented to you about your relationship with your father. We all need something to keep us steady in the storms of life. These symbols are suspended in time because they live on in our mind and our hearts. I have always liked the idea that we leave some kind of imprint on time and space even if it only exists because it’s alive within us. An energy like a fingerprint, as we move through this world and on into the next. Or as you stated, “We are all part of an elusive world that existed no where and yet everywhere (p.245).”

I couldn’t help but ponder on my symbols and what they mean to me. I often find myself thinking about the home I was raised in, it is the same house my mother was raised in, the house my grandfather built all on his own. This place has been a touchstone to my reality since I can remember. It is a symbol of generations, of connections, of childhood. Even the thought that someday this house will cease to exist, creates a feeling of dread in my very core. As if I myself or a part of myself will cease to exist along with it. I imagine standing there while the world carries on; but I cannot, simply because I know not how. So I too can speak for the field mouse, the wasps, a flock of pigeons and yourself. “We were all out of touch but somehow permanent, It was the world that had changed(p.245).”

Sincerely,
Megan Kelly On a brighter note while I was feeling the security of home and childhood slipping away I was given a tender mercy from God. My Childhood best friend Davina, whom I had not seen in 12 years contacted me the day before I left for California! She lives in Vegas and so I stopped and spend some very meaningful time with her. It was just like before, we always just clicked. I leaned on that a lot while I was at the beach house last week. Dwelling on my reunion with her rather than the separation to come. She is a God sent.

Anxiety sucks

2008-08-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

I have three kids running laps through my house. They all put socks on so they could slide across the wood floor. They probably barely hear my dull voice of warning through their hyperactivity. They are just doing what kids do. Why do I have such anxiety right now? I'm starting to feel desperate for silence and serenity. I feel like I'm being sucked into myself through the black hole that is sitting in my chest. Anxiety sucks. I'm pathetically using this blog as some sort of escape. Hardcore drugs although effective are not really an option. For one I am broke, and another I don't have the balls to do anything that rash. I suppose I could delve back into the twilight series. It seems to be the numbing of choice lately, for half the population that is. (That is a whole other blog in and of itself. )

You know what sucks! Diapers. I changed a diaper like 30 minutes ago and the poo stench is still lingering. If I had any umph in me right now, I'd light a match. But I think they are buried in some junk drawer. So I guess I wont breath through my nose for a while.

So I got a check for $41.00 at church last week. And even though it was just a reimbursement for some money I spent for Primary. It still made me happy and was the highlight of the experience that sunday. In fact, I may just spend a little more for Primary as a way to trick myself into enjoying church. It could work, for a while at least.

I want a kitten. Kind of. Something to think about. I also want a baby, kind of. Something else to think about. You know what's eerie? Walking though the grocery store full of pregnant women, like really pregnant. Everywhere, women with bellies, and little babies and then seeing a 2 year old in a shopping cart point at you and look you square in the eye and say "baby!" What?!

So why is it drug dealers have crappy cars? But buyers are like pimpin it? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Just a thought.

Uhhh, this isn't really working. The blogging I mean. I still feel anxious. I have decided that blogging is not my brand of numbing.

WANTED

2008-07-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

In a deranged psychotic episode account manager and assassin Wesley Gibson has brutally murdered our beloved Mr. Tumnus. The victim along with all the other forest animals skillfully had their heads blown in but only after the forest had been infested by armored rats. When it was all done, nothing was left but the scent of hot metal, kerosine and oddly enough peanut butter. (This was one crazy violent movie. Within the first 2 minutes 5 people got their brains blown in. I had to close my eyes at least 5 times. Aside from a couple cheesy one liners the directing was phenomenal! James Mcavoy did an amazing job. I don't know how you can go from Mr. Tumnus to Wes Gibson but he totally pulled it off. )

Last Comic Standing

2008-06-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

You have got to see this guy. Genius! ">

The Men In My Life.

2008-06-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

Just us girls.

2008-06-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

Mom and her beautiful daughters communing at the beach house. No Kids Allowed! Ahhh...

Sistaz.

2008-06-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm not my new hair cut.

I'm not my religion.

I'm not my past or my future.

And the meds I pop daily? Nope, not that.

I'm not my full thighs and gainly butt.

I'm not the drink in my hand.

I'm not the year of therapy I just finished.

I'm not my education or this blog.

I'm not my children's mother, my husbands wife or anyones friend.

The only thing I really am is the awareness of what I am not.

Damn that feels good.

Where'd I get this itch?!

2008-02-14T15:22:00.000-08:00

What is up with these split personality emails? It baffles me. I open my mail and see an email entitled Gods Blessings. Hmm I say to myself, this aught to be uplifting. So I open it up and sure enough there is wonderful feel good message straight from "chicken soup for the sappy soul" and I'm feeling good. Almost like someone just shot me up in the arm with a good dose of love. I'm feeling the warm fuzzies, the whole bit. Then I get to the bottom and it's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde or something. The whole personality of the email has split and now I'm feeling a bit threatened because apparently if I don't send this to EVERYONE I know in the next 30 sec. then I am going to loose all my money, all my loved ones and my soul. The best thing about it is that I NEVER pass them on. Ever! So after careful documentation I now have accumulated 431 days of bad luck. 13 years of acute anxiety disorder, - 76 years of prosperity and really bad rash!

My Chinese Zodiac. Eerily Accurate

2008-01-28T16:47:00.000-08:00

HORSE 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002

People born during the Year of the Horse have a pleasant, amiable, easy going disposition which guarantees popularity and a large following of friends. Blessed with good humor and geniality, they are extremely comfortable to get along with for they have the knack of instantly putting people at their ease.

Charming and cheerful, the Horse is an extremely likable character. Hard working, self-possessed and sharp, the Horse skillfully acquires power, wealth and respect. However, the Horse's sometime-appreciated frankness can be tactless. The Horse's impatient pursuit of success may become selfish and predatory. Horses can be obstinate. In truth, they are more cunning than intelligent, and they know it. This is why, despite that air of assurance, the Horse lacks confidence in himself.

Above all, the Horse is cut out to be in politics, a career which could bring great personal satisfaction with the opportunity to grind his own axe. He could be a winner here, for he has the facility to sway the crowd.

He is very quick-witted and he is right in there with you before you have had the chance to finish what you were saying; he's on to the thought in your mind even before you've expressed it. This permits the Horse to forestall any arguments that anyone can dream up.

Like the symbol by which they are represented, Horse-born people are high-spirited and lively. Their vivacity and enthusiasm make them very popular. With a deft sense of humor, Horses are masters of repartee. They love to take center stage and delight audiences everywhere. Sometimes rash and willful, they can be prone to rapid changes of mood and, although seldom really explosive of temper, when they do see red, it is not a pretty sight. Those who have suffered a Horse's rage will never feel quite the same about him again, for his fits of temper are inevitably a bit childish. If he wants to succeed, he has to master them.

Resourceful and self-confident, Horses approach all things enthusiastically. Quick-witted and mentally alert, they are quick to catch on and efficient in all their undertakings. Because of this ability, this dexterous and incisive mind of theirs, they can make accurate judgments and sound decisions instaneously. They are particularly skilled at handling money, very often in business dealings following their hunches. When it comes to intuition they have a sixth sense that is quite uncanny. Unfortunately, as the Horse is a creature of changing moods he's liable to lose interest suddenly in things he's taken up, whether it's a love affair, a single deal in business, or a whole career. He'll start again with the same determination, and he'll enjoy an equal success. He can make it in any career that demands neither solitude nor meditation, for he is an extrovert and he needs to be surrounded by people who approve of him and flatter him.

Due to their dislike of inactivity, Horses get involved in many sorts of works outside their chosen trade. Good with their hands and attracted to art, they are skillful craftsmen with a talent for innovation.

The first and second part of the Horse's life will be full of ups and downs. He will leave his home and family while he is still young, and this will bring its own disappointments. His love life will be by no means smooth. But the third phase of the Horse's life will be a peaceful one.

Why ask why?

2008-01-18T00:39:00.001-08:00

So tonight in Philosophy class we discussed the Socratic Method. Pretty much Socrates was the man. Definitely my kind of guy. Brilliant in all his irony and sarcasm and simplicities. The guy liked to ask questions and annoyed a lot of people in the process, which ultimately resulted in his death. So now I am going to do the same to you, but without the death part. If the unexamined life is not worth living then I better get to it. But I'm not going to just examine my life because although it's greatly helpful to me it's not nearly as fun as examining other peoples. This is something Socrates knew. So I'm going to post many more questions in here because wisdom isn't knowing that you know, it's knowing that you don't know. Here it goes. Question 1. Why in television and movies when two characters are on the phone, does neither one of them extend the courtesy of actually saying the word "goodbye"? How is it that they just instinctively know that the other person is done with the conversation and that there will be no offense taken as they ramble off the last sentence and then cuh-lick. hang up? Who does that? I know I don't. I don't recall ever being on the phone where there wasn't some kind of closure (unless it was a telemarketer on the other end of course). Every time I see it on some sitcom or movie it bugs me. Especially when it's only one side of a conversation. The camera focused on the actor who you know is babbling into nothingness yet he laughs, does the body gestures, pauses at just the right time, pretending to listen and then continues with the appropriate response. And then you have it, no final "farewell" or quick "okay-bu-bye" or even a simple "c,ya!". Just the click. Why?

ya can't touch this...

2008-01-14T16:49:00.000-08:00

This makes me very happy. Thanks lissa:)

Deep, deep inhale... long sigh.

2008-01-10T09:55:00.000-08:00

TODAY I FEEL LIKE THIS I started school up again on tuesday. I didn't feel ready. So yesterday I cleaned my whole house. It was beautiful. I felt ready. I woke up today and went on the computer. Afterwards, I went upstairs to find both children covered in styrofoam balls. You know those tiny ones that static cling to everything. Along with the t.v, couch, carpet, buffet. I flipped my lid. Although there was some humor to it. Especially as they squealed when I broke out the vacuum and purposefully went over their whole bodies. I could see the mix of emotion in their faces as the suction seemed to jump at them and violently suck their clothing and hair into the black hole that is my vacuum attachment. It was true concern like "How mad is mom right now? and Would she actually let me get sucked in?" and a undertone of laughter that never quite broke the surface like " This sort of tickles and is silly but I might pee my pants I'm so nervous." When all that was done I was still thoroughly annoyed. Then I spotted a trail of white balls heading up the stairs. "Oh shit!" I walked up and was afraid to turn the corner. Boldly I stepped forward and looked left. Phew, my room was fine aside from a few strays. I slowly turned right and immediately felt the blood rush to my face. His room was absolutely covered top to bottom with those annoying little snowflakes from hell! I'll spare you my reaction. I'm sure your imagination will shed me in a better light compared to the facts. I went into my room and for the first time said out loud "I don't want kids!" Now to some of you that might seem heartless. But it's not a lack of love for them. I would do ANYTHING for either one of them. But sometimes I just want to only think about ME. I mean in many ways I'm just barely learning who I am, what right do I have raising these precious little people. All innocent and pure. I'm gonna mess them up. No doubts there. This path of self discovery that I started a few months back is a lot harder when 95.5% of the time I'm thinking about what I am or should be doing for them. Can't I just push pause and take this little detour and figure me out a little more and then come back and resume raising these two kids as a whole and complete person? We'd all be better for it. I know blog, I know. You are asking why I had them so soon then? I ask myself the same and my only response is that 6 years ago, I thought I did know myself. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see that I was sleeping. I pray daily that I don't screw them up too much and that I wont take my imperfections out on them. By Gods grace we will all get through this somewhat happy and healthy. In the mean time any tips for cleaning styrofoam cling-ons?

Dear Blog

2008-01-10T09:19:00.000-08:00

What do I do when I get overwhelmed with emotion? I write. I have journal after journal after journal shoved away in my bedside table filled with my ranting. Well congratulations blog because today is your lucky day. My bedside table is now so full that it has forced me to go cyber. You are a much more space efficient place to express myself. Plus I can type much more ferociously than writing by hand. Sure, there's a difference between a closed journal tucked away with all my secrets stowed between the pages and a blog left wide open for bazzillions of unfamiliar eyes to read but it's a new year and that means a new way of doing things. Starting with you. In the past I might worry about offending some of those brazen eyes casting judgment on me. But I'm not afraid of them anymore. You are mine and I will write what I want to. Sometimes I might defile you with some colorful language, but you are used to that by now. I might be painfully honest but it will be so freeing! Are you ready?

Dangerous Words

2007-12-11T21:37:00.000-08:00

This is an assignment I did for my literature class called dangerous words,( hence the title.) He gave us a list of words and we were to choose one and write how it has been a part of our lives and shaped our beliefs. There came a point in my life that I was forced to ponder on the value of telling the truth, and what it meant to me. There are many reasons why I value truth. The most important of them being that I value relationships. Trust is the foundation to all relationships. If trust does not exist in a relationship then it amounts to next to nothing. As humans we all need a safe harbor. A place without fear of rejection or judgement. When we have this in a relationship we can open ourselves up and it makes room for real growth. But in doing this we also open ourselves up to vulnerability. Lies are not just told, they are born. Once one is created it is an entity all on it's own and effects not only the liar but also those that are unknowingly lied to. A lie can take all involved on a painful detour from how things actually are. Once told, a lie bends and distorts reality. It taints all time there after, until it is exposed and destroyed by the truth; which is inevitable since nothing lives forever, except truth. Truth and truth seeking is how we progress. That is why it is such a disservice to ourselves and others when we lie. Telling lies, especially to ourselves, basically defeats the purpose of our existence.

Merry Christmas, It's shit in a box.

2007-11-24T22:42:00.000-08:00

3. A door with a knob on it. It's so great to know that the faceless person who attached this to my door noticed that I needed a new vinyl fence or new windows. A kind gesture to say the least.

4. Sports Arenas.
5. Movie Theaters.
6. The side of Garbage Trucks.
7. Airplanes dragging signs.
8. Internet.
9. Elementary Schools.
10. Radio.
11. Tele-marketers.
12. Church.

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT! Wait... No, I take that back. I forgot how they broadcast T.V. signals into OUTER SPACE! Talk about reaching a difficult demographic. Are we geniuses or what? I don't know what I was getting so grumpy about. I mean shit really isn't that bad, right? It might smell a little but at least it wont overwhelm the senses and distract me from what means most in life. Thank goodness it doesn't bog me down and make life harder to manage. I mean thats why we have "THE CONTAINER STORE." So we can consume more shit to keep our other shit in. Brilliant! So, there you have it. My 12 step program to a perfectly complacent existence. The most exciting part of it being your estate sale.

Friends.

2007-11-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

pretty soon i'm gonna blog about them.

Happiness is...

2007-10-23T12:42:00.000-07:00

My new ipod touch! So I got an early Birthday present and my life just got a whole lot easier! It's sad but the main reason I wanted one was for the amazing calandar application! I don't do pda's or planners (my appologies to franklin covey). But this application kicks ass! I have to send out a thank you to my husband for his tech saavy ways. He was able to take the application from the iphone and put it on my touch. happy birthday to me!

2007-10-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

Silly Family Faces

2007-10-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

This was the last time we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. Dan has a camara on his computer and a distortion lens. It's kind of like being in the fun house with the mirrors that make you look all out of whack. Of course this picture isn't with that lens but it was still fun.

And I shall blog

2007-10-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

First time blogger here people. This is great! A place to put all my corn pone' oppinions. And you'll read them because you're my friends. Nice. And just you wait, there's gonna be all kinds of pictures on here! It will be so fabulous. You'll think, "oh that megan, what is she gonna post next!" And you'll check it everyday, and you'll laugh and cry, And... and... well it's just gonna be super neat! See you soon blogger buddies. ;)